calling theoretical astrophysicists on their bluff

So I'm watching a really great series of TV shows on Netflix, How The Universe Works, produced by the Discovery Channel in 2010.  Holy cow is this stuff I didn't learn in high school-- probably since when I was in high school, we didn't know this stuff.  (or think we know it, it is just scientific hypotheses, but even gravity was only a hypothesis, (even recently questioned by one nutcracker) and to my knowledge it's never actually been proven  ;-)  So come to find out that the earth is rotating around the sun-- yes, got that, move on-- and the sun is only one star in the Milky Way galaxy-- yawn, next slide please-- but that the Milky Way is orbiting around a super-massive black hole-- WHOA!  Wait, what?  Did I hear you correctly?  <Googles like mad>  Huh!  Guess I did! 

Now, I gotta pick a bone with these so-called "smart" astrophysicists.  Here's what they sounded like in elementary school: "Um, my homework?  Uh, yeah, um, I did that.  I woulda gotten an A on it too, but unfortunately the dog ate it.  Sorry teach.  You can just go ahead and give me that A anyway though."  That was elementary school, this is now: "Hi boss.  Why'd you call me in your office?  Oh, um, you want to know why galaxies are moving toward and away from each other?  That's simple.  Gravity!  Oh you want more than a one-word answer, hmm... yeah... ooh I got it!  Yeah, there's this stuff, see, and you can't see it, touch it, or taste it.  In fact it's undetectable by any instrument known to man today.  Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket!  What is this stuff called?  Oh... that's easy... it would be called... um... dark matter, yeah!"
     All joking aside, actual quotes from the theoretical astrophysicists: "Dark energy is... really weird."  Yeah, that's 'cause you just made dark matter up, that's how you explain the fact that you can't explain it.  The show claims that dark matter is "Ghost-like material that will pass right through you, as if you didn't exist at all."  Oh, yeah, sure, no I believe you, no problem there.  But dark matter or not, you still gotta take out the trash and clean the bathtub.  (which, if you hate doing, a Scrubbing Bubbles is awesome)
     Yeah, we might make some giant scientific breakthroughs regarding this dark matter, but at the moment this is pretty much what we call "a lazy way of explaining things you don't understand."

http://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1SNNT_enUS416US416&aq=f&ix=hca&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=dark+matter

I.Q. test: should you or should you not bungee-jump over crocodile-infested waters?

"Hmmm... I don't know... tough question... so down there are alligators... that will kill me if given the chance... actually eat me... and you want to push me off this incredibly safe alligator-observation ledge so that I hurl toward them rapidly, only to be pulled back at the last second by this very thin stretchy rope... yeah, huh, sounds like a solid good plan.  You've really thought this out!  Yeah, let's do this to this!"

<JUMP>  http://news.google.com/news/more?pz=1&ned=us&ncl=dl8Qd8SJh1EV8kMv-wO4stgLqVUSM&topic=h


Later, "WOAH that was way too close!  I had to swim with my ankles tied together and everything.  Talk about a rush!  I'm never EVER bungee-jumping over alligator-infested waters AGAIN...  Oh what's that you say?  You know of a place that will let me bungee-jump over a bear pit?  Cool!  How soon can we go?  I'll have to work it in though, as my next adventure will be to have my body suspended over a bed of nails by a strand of used dental floss... that will be a jab of fun!  It should be so exciting, it'll hurt!"

very useful info from a recent Dept. of Transportation study!

This videoed P.S.A. is so ridiculously useful to drivers!

Heh heh heh...

OMG-- Google has built the bridge between yesterday and tomorrow'!

If you think I'm kidding, watch the Dalai Lama & Archbishop Desmond Tutu 'hang out' on Google+!!!  Think I'm joking?  Here:  http://thenextweb.com/google/2011/10/10/watch-the-video-taken-when-dalai-lama-archbishop-desmond-tutu-hung-out-on-google/  Mind-blowing!

well that was an interesting solution, thought I'd share: WHOOPS, THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE IN A LANGUAGE I DON'T SPEAK

I'm sharing this nifty bit of problem-solving in case you might someday make use of it.  So yesterday, I bought two Thermos mugs for hot drinks, except they weren't the Thermos brand, it was some brand no one's ever heard of.  (unless you actually have heard of GoGo, in which case I mean no one but you)  So I opened a bottle to see if they're machine-washable.  Shoulda looked for that in the store, didn't think of it.  "Hey, whoa, the directions are in French!  Ah, I'll deal with this tomorrow."  Well now it is tomorrow.  I just did a nifty piece of problem-solving that you mightcould someday use.  Here's the steps:

1. I know that scanning an image in using my printer/scanner will result in an image file, like a .gif, .png, .jpg, .bmp, .tiff, .eps, what have you.  I want a way to actually get the text into a text document, a .txt file.  I could import the image into an OpenOffice document (or Word, if that's the way you roll, but trust me, OO is way better, and free), but then it's still an image-- I can't edit the text in an image.  I want to be able to open it in something like Windows Notepad.  So I do a little hunting-- ooh, nice, got it.  I found SimpleOCR, where OCR is Optical Character Reader.  (by the way, if it ever happens that you come across a word on the internet that you don't know-- never happens, right?-- like say, "OCR", there is an oh-so-slick extension for the Google Chrome web browser by Google Dictionary that lets you simply double-click a word you don't know on any web page, and a popup appears with one of that word's definitions; if that doesn't answer your question right away, you can click More to see everything Google Dictionary knows about this word, which is nearing the limits of the collective worldwide human knowledge.  How am I doing on making this the Guiness world's longest parenthetical expression?  I've already surpassed the Great Parenthetical Wall of China from 1987...)
2. I used SimpleOCR to scan in my French instructions and spend a few minutes correcting it's guess of what letters it thinks it saw.  Okay, now the French text I see on the screen matches the French text I read on the paper.  (yeah, I could've just typed it in, all in French, to start with, but this is cooler, easier, and anyway, je ne peux pas taper en français, heh heh)
3. Now that I had the French text typed into the computer, I copy-and-pasted it into Google Translate.  AHA!  So I'm seeing this:

"  utilization, ENTRETIEN ET

 

GARANTIE DE LA BOUTEILLE EN

AGER INOXYDABLE

Avant d'utiliser la |boutellle pour la premiere fois

Returer toutes les etiquettes et tons les matenaux d'emballage,

puis laver la boutelle en acier inoxydable Range Kleen a l'eau

tiede savonneuse et la rincer a fond afin       d'eliminer toute poussiere

provenant de la fabrication, de l'emballage et de I'expedition

Bouteille isolante incassable en acier

Votre nouvelle bouteille incassable en acier de marque

Range Kleen est concue pour durer des annees

Utilisation et entretien

ATTENTION: Lorsqu'elle contient un liquide chaud, tenir

la bouteille hors de Ia portee des enfants

ATTENTION: Ne pas trop remplir. Risque de brulures.

* Pour une capacite d'isolation maximale, rechauffer

ou refroidir la bouteille avant utilisation. A cette fin,

Ia remplir d'eau chaude ou de d'eau froide,   y mettre le

   

couvercle, la laisser reposer pendant cinq a dix

minutes, puis la vider."

... and it means this:

"utilization, MAINTENANCE AND

 
WARRANTY OF BOTTLE
STAINLESS AGER
Before using the | boutellle for the first time
Reture all the labels and colors matenaux packaging
Boutelle then wash the stainless steel Range Kleen Water
warm soapy and rinse thoroughly to remove any dust
from the manufacture, packaging and I'expedition
Unbreakable steel thermos
Your new bottle unbreakable steel brand
Range Kleen is designed to last for years
Use and Care
CAUTION: When it contains a hot liquid, keep
Ia the bottle out of reach of children
CAUTION: Do not overfill. Risk of burns.
* For a maximum capacity of insulation, heat up
or cool the bottle before use. To this end,
Ia filled with hot water or cold water, put the
   
lid, let stand for five to ten

minutes, then drain."

Okay, question answered!  So I need to hand-wash my Boutelle.  Okay, somewhat lengthy process, but that's just 'cause it was the first time, next time will be smoother!  And I got to my answer!  In the business, that's known as a "success"...