She's ... my ... cherry pie

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe or drink through that thing?

Confucius say man who stand in front of running car get tired. Man who stand behind get exhausted.

Why did Captain (James TIBURON) Kirk pee on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before. (I lost a shave-your-head bet over his middle name. I was wrong.)

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into a psychologist's office wearing only his shoes. The psych. says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

It just occurred to me that I'm living proof that doctors are wrong EXACTLY 90% of the time (says 10% chance of ever waking up boy). Also (pay attention, you might learn something)... 2 + 2 is ... 4!

Oh... my... goodness... this morning I got 2 see Dad (I had to tell him how to do it) rocking out to Poison's cover of the song "She's ... my ... cherry pie" with devil horns (thumb and pinky out) and saying "Rock on!" Well, that's one item I can scratch off my things to do before I pass on list. (which is literally a text file on my laptop, and, no, I won't share it.)

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?

"Ooh ooh ooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter!"

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, was it successful?

Today I found out that the wreck affected my IQ-- or at least my memory of how to use a hole-puncher. Got it now.

You would have needed to see the old TV show about a teacher "Welcome back, Kotter" to get this:
So, today, we were playing a game (imagine THAT) and dad was saying "ooh ooh ooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter!" and mom was like "don't bother him during his turn" and dad was like "I was just trash talking-- it's fine..." Now I know that if saying "ooh ooh ooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter!" is considered trash-talking... I must live in a near-retirement community. Oh wait, I do. And the fact I recognized that line ... oh... my... goodness.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Ladies day at the sawmill! ...in Pickens Co.

A magician was driving down the road and turned into a driveway.

People who steal corn on the cob are stalkers.

Police were called to a daycare center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Grandma and Grandpa were playing ping-pong (in our basement!), and Grandpa said "Go ahead and serve... I'm ready" and Grandma asked "Did you just say '... old lady?" All of us were howling with laughter after it was explained.

Last time my Grandparents were here, they reminded me, we were driving along home from the airport through Pickens county, and saw a sign that said "Ladies day at the sawmill!" That would have been a great place for me to get a girlfriend with strength in her character ... and elsewhere.

Oh, I have a new idea, let's take a vacation to Hawaii with an extra empty suitcase, and leave with all of their vowels! Optional: come back and watch them try to speak the native language.

Mom said at dinner that the way goats make themselves attractive to potential mates is by urinating ALL OVER themselves, followed by "Why don't you try that, bud?" I held up my finger for everyone to pause, and said "Aaaaaahhhh. Next step?"

"Remember..."

What kind of pennies do cops carry? Copper ones.

Thank god for atheists.

Sorry if I've posted this before, but my pains and I have made two modifications to the language: 1) "good night" became "remember" and 2) "good morning" became "glad you remembered!" We're referring to two notes I put on their pillows for their birthdays: "Please remember to wake up in the morning."

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie?

I can see up the tunnel... and there's sky up there

Okay, first THANKS to everyone who sent messages of love and support. Very much. There's a reason my replies were so short, it's 'cause there were too many to reply to. I suppose I'm at or near the end of the depressed phase. (You know, it's funny, my pains knew this was coming someday) YES, I went through a suicidal phase there for two days. BUT, there is no way I would act on that, I would rather just feel horribly miserable. And I was honest with my pains about what I was feeling at the time I was feeling it. And today, (get ready) I WENT TO GO SEE A PASTORAL COUNSELOR. 29 years of being an atheist... and talking with him for over 2.5 hours did actually make me feel better. It turns out he was a member of WCSC , my sailing club, too! That is, until he was in a bike wreck, and couldn't fly his chute any more (spinnaker, landlubbers). So, some of the things I enjoyed may be different or inaccessible now. I get that now. But life goes on, I choose that, and I will continue to choose that. There will be NO early "so long, and thanks for all the fish" from this corner.

more Duke doctors

So, today I went to the arm tremor specialist. I was incredibly surprised when he asked me to take off my shoes and socks and started feeling my feet. He should expect a dictionary in the mail with all the pages ripped out but one, and the word "arm" circled in red. I was even more surprised to find out that he's a fellow geocacher! And when he asked for my signature on a separate piece of paper, I said "enjoy your new hot tub..."

And yes, I'm still very down about my horrible double vision. Feeling like Marvin the Paranoid Android in the Guide. I've been to 4 doctors about it, so one of these days, maybe I'll try believing one. But maybe (just thinking out loud here) the fifth will see something the previous four haven't. BUT, that is not to say I'm stopping vision therapy, as from it as humanly possible.

So, I went to the Asheboro zoo today (on the way home from the home of the greatest basketball team EVER, Duke). It's the North Cakalaki state zoo, so it's HUGE. (so are those letters- huh) While riding the tram from one section to another, I noticed a sign on the tram that said "No fumar." I was like "well, crud, I brought mine," but dad took it to another level and wisely told me to keep it in my pants.

At one of the doctor's offices in the last two days, I and my parents were directed to have a seat in the "sub-waiting room." Since she had a speech impediment, we all three thought it sounded like the gateway to Heaven and Hell: the Soul Waiting Room. And my soul feels RESTED...

While at the zoo, the solicitor's office called. Whatever would they want to talk to me about? I wonder... Well, long story short == channel four called about doing a story on victims of DUI -- since the state just made it's law on DUI's stronger, and they heard about me through MADD. But, alas, no story on me. The solicitor said "no pre-trial publicity." So from now on she-that-wrecked-my-life (and if you believe 4 doctors, my vision) won't be named here, but y'all will know who I mean. However, channel four is also doing another story I think I'm cut out for-- good looking, single, cute as all-get-out guys between the ages of 28 and 30 (exclusive) who are looking for a date. Oh, and said date must have and be able to use a car, I'm not positive yet that I will be able to. But, since APPARENTLY the vision's not getting any better, I'm "on the road again... just can't wait to get on the road again." And "racin' sailboats again..."

DUKE eye doctor

What do you call a deer with no eyes? (theirs) I have no ideer. (all mine) Properly spelled. A side meat. Roadkill. Redneck thanksgiving.

eHarmMe is all about number 8
First you rate
Then you date
And either you hate
Or it's great
And you hope to mate

When astronauts land on the moon, are they aliens?

What kind of pennies do cops carry?

So, I went to see the Duke eye doctor today for my bad double vision where the image is slanted in my injured eye and sorta moves a small amount. That's after waiting around three hours in two waiting rooms and seeing two pre-doctor doctors. And there was a machine on his desk with the buttons P.O.C., O.V.R., and "Fix" on it. Turn off the "Pain On Command" (or "Pee On Chair", it was a pediatric doctor). Turn ON the "Orbital Vision Rectify". Well, duh, just let me press the "Fix" button and the bad double vision is gone! But... not so much... at all. The doctor said "blah blah blah, sucks to be you, technical jargon technical jargon technical jargon, we don't know of any way to fix THAT, medical terminology medical terminology medical terminology, have a nice day now." So I HEAR people with one eye covered up (i.e. no depth perception) can learn to drive cars. Huh. In three months, helloooo Mayo clinic.

Then, after that incredibly depressing news, we went for a walk around a pond on Duke's campus and saw two girls across the lake with two dogs, so I went over to see if they were friendly (THE DOGS). And they let me pet the dogs and it turns out there was a lesson for me to learn. But first, it turns out they got the dogs from a Humane Society. Go Humane Societies! One of the dogs had ONLY THREE LEGS, because he was in a car wreck. (sound familiar?) But the owner said he had learned to be happy and make the best of what he's got, so maybe I should try that, too. One way or the other, that dog's name should be Eileen.

Well, vision therapy's worked miracles so far, so even though the doc was not hot on 'em, I've proven EVERY doctor wrong so far, so I'm gonna "set my hope on fire."

And I think I'm gonna have very exciting news tomorrow, so stay tuned to the same Bat channel, same Bat time...

There's a Duke t-shirt in my future...

Why are coins made of metal?
1) Because change is hard.
2) Because they're a hard currency.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

GREETINGS from Durham, NC, home of the world's best college basketball team EVER, the Blue Devils.

On the way here, we stopped @ a fast food restaurant to get a ... c'mon ... guess ... strawberry milkshake (imagine THAT) and for the FIRST time, the person working behind the counter actually laughed when I asked my standard question: "Do you take cash here?"

Rock 'n roll!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino. (my pains' sailboat name)

Why are coins made of metal?

So we found out today that dad misheard these lyrics to a rock and roll song by Queen that NORMALLY goes "Another one bites the dust" as "Another one rides the bus." We did what any family would do, and misheard ALL the lyrics together.
"Another one rides the bus.
And, another seat gone
another seat gone
Another one rides the bus
Hey, I'm gonna get that one too
Another one rides the bus."

Cafepress started

Y'all single folks might wanna check these out!

And these! (if you're single)

But maybe not these, because I don't think any of y'all do what (someone you know) does.

I have about 7 more ideas that'll show up here in the next few days/weeks/months.

This'll help SOMEONE (and I forget who) to pay off medical bills in the hundreds of thousands. Oh, wait, I have insurance. Okay, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANY HEALTH INSURANCE YOU CAN FIND!

warning: gate's down, gate's down

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but ...

So, today, 10 months after a horrifying wreck, we took down the gate/door/swing-open thingy at the top of the stairs. It was probably worth it (you think?), but I think I've mentioned that I come from a very Safety Conscious family also. Both are true. Probably? I would highly recommend it.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?

WHOOPGrandCentralWHOOP WHOOP

This is my last blog post ever.
Aptil fools!
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
Connecticut: like Massachusets only the Kennedys don't own it yet. Mississippi: come and feel better about your state. SC (yay): remember the civil war? We didn't actually surrender Wisconsin: come cut the cheeze.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

This is ONLY for those of you who live in an apartment or house: we have 2.

http://www.grandcentral.com/ -- free long distance phone calls. I'll use it to make free calls to my relatives in CA and PA. (Maybe they'll put me on the A-Team) That is, once they go public (you should know me, everything Google does...), but they would like more people to sign up while it's in test. DSL was cheaper than dial-up here by $10/month. You should check.

APPARENTLY (there it is again), the first ever radio show of "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" (my favorite EVER book. ever) came on the radio b4 the book appeared, in 1978, and that's the first time anyone listening to the Beeb heard it, or well, anyone. Also that year was the first time anyone heard someone else particularly good looking...

So today (4/01), the alarm sirens for the VERY nearby nuclear power plant went off. Whoops. We looked in the calendar, and it had siren test for today. Notice I said TEST. As in, singular. Then, some time later, it went off again. We called, and they clarified it was 10-12. OHHH.. We'll see if I'm GLOWING with concern after dark...