Feeling sheepish

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

Forgot to add: while @ Freedom Weekend Aloft, there was a lady selling real cool artwork that I got two of. (http://www.charisma-art.com)

I MADE IT A YEAR!

...AND I HAD A 10% CHANCE OF EVER COMING OUT OF THE COMA! WOO-HOO! COMA SHMOMA!
To help me celebrate, do the following two activities (separately) while sitting in your own home version of my comfy chair:
1) Raise your right foot off the ground and move it in grandiose clockwise circles. Now simultaneously write with your hand a big number six in the air.
2) Next, take your hand and move it in circles where the top of the circle is away from you and the bottom is toward you. Now do the other hand in the opposite direction. Now try both AT THE SAME TIME.

... dancin' machine...

So, today we went to Freedom Weekend Aloft. That's a festival/race among hot air ballooners in Simpsonville. The lead balloon takes off (the "hare"), and places a giant X on a piece of tarp in a field some distance away. Then the other balloons (we counted at least sixteen) try to follow and drop numbered sand bags as close as they can to the target, and the time it took to get there counts too. We saw the hare take off and go one way, and then the other balloons ... well, at least they got airborne.

Mostly we watched dogs (and their owners) compete in a "throw the disc (frisbee) for distance and see if the dog catches it, or even cares" competition.

And while walking around, a child walked up to us and asked, "Do you know where my dad is?" So we took time handing him over to the police and they noticed the kid had a phone number written in LARGE numbers on his arm (it was the mom's cell #). He can't POSSIBLY have ever gotten lost before.

Well, on the festival side of things, we were leaving when I stopped to watch a sista and her child (both of color) jivin' in the middle of the street to some loud music. Then, surprising even myself, I asked to join in. So, yes, my booty was out there, groovin' and a shakin' in the middle of the street. (Single women from Greenville, SC take note) So between that incident and my horrible sunburn (two nights so far with gauze padding on one shoulder) and my physical therapy ... well, they say white men can't dance, but... my booty-shakin' is getting betta like butta.

RC boat!!!

So President Bush and Vice-President Cheney (yeah, I'll admit to needing help with that) were having breakfast at a restaurant, and the waitress asks "Mr. Cheney, what would you like?" He says bacon and eggs. She then says, "And Mr. Bush, how can we please you?" He replies, "A quickie." The waitress leaves in a huff. Cheney turns to Bush and says, "Sir, that's pronounced 'keesh.'"

So, today was a huge day for me... my sailing club, WCSC, had a race today. Well, not just ANY race, but day 1 (a practice-only day) of the Buccaneer North American championships! (a four day event including the practice day) And I was on the RC boat with the PRO! (race committee & principal race officer to lubbers) I was raising and lowering signal flags, and writing down the finisher's sail numbers as they finished. All in all, it was really great practice for MY eventual sailboat races... getting used to the starting sequence was a fantastic opportunity, and MAYBE means I'll avoid being OCS when I race, but since they aren't related, we'll see. ("on course side" of the starting line)

Windsurfer

Is there a more ridiculous question than "Will you remember this?"

What do you call making bread? A yeast infliction.

So, today, while playing miniature golf with my great-aunt (who is great), we saw a guy windsurfing on the lake... with someone else floating in the water. At first, we were all like "isn't windsurfing done solo?" Then the someone else got out of the water, and it was a dog! How cool is that?!?

Standard answers

I'm writing a book about my experiences (seriously), but I only got as far as chapter 11 and then I went bankrupt.

Standard form filling-out answers (EXCEPT for at the DMV): 1) Who to contact in case of an emergency: A DARN GOOD DOCTOR. 2) Sex: (M) (F) (I write in "NOT LATELY"). Let me know if there are any other good ones out there, please.

Ending credits...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the "Milky Way".

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

first swim o' the year

Is there a crash course in learning how to fly?

I forgot to post this yesterday, but on Monday 5/5, I VERY HESITANTLY went swimming on "Brad Beach." First it was just toe bubble while the boat was moving, and I was like "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" but then we stopped at the infamous beach and I tried water-walking (walking IN water, not ON water). Next thing ya know... you know who y'are out there. (It's named that 'cause he went swimming there when it was ... oh, I don't know ... FREAKIN' FREEZING)

AND I slept without socks on that night, so (in my books) it's now officially summer.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Nurses

Does wild rice have to be shot?

Ok, so I realized that asking a cop to arrest my mom wouldn't work, 'cause they need probable cause (or Improvable Cause, my old improv comedy troupe). So I thought I should say "pssst... check that lady who's not related to me for drugs." But nah, 'cause how would I know? And the realization was that any joke that ends in a cop frisking you was not a good joke to begin with. It's just in bad taste.

I don't know who this "Oxy" person is, but they must be a real moron.

So, it wasn't until today that I had the realization that several female nurses saw me naked in the hospital. Hmmmm... yeah... you know that mental list every guy always has of all the women who've seen him naked? Added two to mine...

If you eat lots of alphabet soup, do you have lots of vowel movements?

Dad's olde English... when he's asleep

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? He studied all year for the bra exam.

A mushroom ran into a bar with another mushroom and the bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve boring old food here." The mushroom replied "But I'm a fungi and I gotta shitake here."

Why is it called a strike in baseball when the batter misses the ball?

A few nights ago, mom went to the bathroom in the middle of the night (how dare her), and when she came back to bed, Dad was (in his sleep) mumbling "something something forsook something something." Then the night after that it was "something something from whence cometh, m'lady.." Mom is very clear that it was "m'lady", not "my lady."

So, tonight, after playing every-other-shot-must-be-a-bank-shot miniature golf (my new invention), we had dinner out at a sub joint. In line just after us was a cop, so I let my parents sit down and then asked him if he'd jokingly bust mom for drugs. Scratch that off my list of things to do before I die. (And he said no.) Sure, don't believe me, I JUST LIVE WITH HER. And in all seriousness but also jokingly at the same time, I do check her arms for needle marks daily. Maybe they're between the toes... hmmm...