Ah... ah... ah, choo!

Now this is a classic. My family has celebrated Xmas, and I have to brag about one thing I gave Dad. This probably comes from his career in a hospital (I hope), but our house has hand sanitizer very nearby AT ALL TIMES, and Dad has a bottle in his pocket so much that, if I need to use some, I just ask him "Bear?" which refers to this saying: "Does a bear go to the bathroom in the woods?" since I'd keel over dead from the surprise if he's not carrying hand sanitizer.
So I gave him this dispenser. Now it's on our fridge, full of Purell. Now imagine what it's like before meal-time. We go push the big nose and lather our hands in whatever comes out. Mmm, mmm good.

A Jeff Knox 1 AM original (think double entendre): If you don't try sex before marriage, you might just get screwed.

OH. MY. GOD.

We just saw THE BEST SHOW EVER. I hope my drool stains will come out of my sweatshirt. Many times, I was like "Ah, I could do that... but maybe only that AND that... in my wildest dreams I couldn't do those AND THIS. Okay, now they're doing all that on a freakin' tight rope. Enough of walking on the tight rope, now on a BIKE on a tight rope. Okay, I survived that heart attack...

Cna yuo raed tihs?

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

So then I................. breathed.

So we started the drive home today. As we drove through the tunnels under ze Chesapeake Bay, I was like "Oh no, we're gonna go under THE OCEAN! I'd like to breathe, but there's this ocean on top of me. Hold your breath!" So it IS possible to make it through that tunnel holding your breath. Huh. And I didn't learn my lesson by the 2nd tunnel. Huh. Noted: get smarter. Special note: viewers at home may not want to try both tunnels AND their connecting bridge in one breath-- that bridge isn't what you and I (or at least I) would call "short." EXTRA-SPECIAL DUNKED-IN-STRAWBERRY-MILKSHAKE MESSAGE: please don't do this whilst driving (I've tried the opposite of "alive" and trust me, it's not as cool as they say).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/YTMND Because of the above, I'm working on YAlmostTMND

forget about man & dog being best friends, this is better

WARNING: the following video does involve a doggie running across a freeway and ever so sadly getting hit by a truck. HE DOES NOT KICK IT and what happens next simply amazes me. Watch this amazing clip. Don't be afraid, it is a video of a heroic act.

And say this.

My Golden Birthday!

IT'S MY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY this exact minute (9:59)!!!

This only happens once per lifetime (in this universe). It's 30 on the 30th! Hopefully with 30 friends & family members, opening 30 presents, and I may be trying to have 30 strawberry milkshakes simultaneously, so I'll have an E.R. with 30 doctors per patient on 30 standbys (why more than one?). And amazingly (we measured 30 times), my balance is 30 times better than a year ago. And-- get this-- my balance is INFINITE times better than 30 years and 1 second ago!

I leave you with some almost-haiku a birdy in my dreams left:

I have turned thirty
Bummer that clothes I wear are dirty
So I don new shirty
(I've applied some cleansing squirty)
I do hope women still be flirty
On flip side of thirty!!!

holy cow

I just discovered that Google has read and understood Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! (don't click if you might ever read it) http://www.google.com/search?q=the+answer+to+life%2C+the+universe%2C+and+everything

Googling for a cell phone

Well, it's been a few days, but my kind folks gave me an early birthday gift! (since the return period for this product would run out otherwise) And I don't remember the 1st 28 years worth of gifts, but this beats them all! AND to make it even more surprising, I found out before I got it that this product existed (and because I'm such a Google Geek), & I'd been doing research, downloading user manuals, etc... and my parents did an AMAZING job of keeping that secret.
Voila: http://www.t-mobileg1.com/ This thing is new, like brand new. It is the only cell phone that seamlessly connects to Google's services like Gmail & Google Calendar. If ya can't get a cell signal, then find a Wi-Fi hotspot (my whole house) and you're good to go on Gmail and Calendar apps, and if ya buy/rent their wireless router, get phone calls even out of range of cell towers (which our house is, by two streets, but I won't be stayin' in this house FOREVER-- so I don't get calls on it at home YET (I may get another device that's needed, we'll just see)). Gmail- check. Maps- GPS is included, so as long as it's on Google Maps, you can say "find me the nearest pizza joint to where I'm standing."! No need to spend hours plugging all the phone numbers in from your old cell phone into your new one-- as long as they're set up as Gmail contacts with their phone numbers, you're good to go.
I mean, you know you're a geek when you think that checking your email or surfin' the web while you're standing in a field is DA BOMB. Did that today.
This. Is. Totally. Wicked. Cool.

Oh yeah, and the kind rep at the store we went to for support issues misheard our home address-- which is on Fathom Court-- as "Fat Home Court." So now we live in a phat home. And props to all my mad peeps who be keepin' it real while I'm chillin' 'round the hizzy wit mah Google cell phonizzy, yo.

and before the Avetts played...

We were here. Sweet shot.

Avett bro's, state of the union

OH MY GOODNESS. Oh me, oh my. We just saw the BEST concert EVER. I first saw them at the Skunk (we're pretty sure). Tonight at the Peace Center we saw THE AVETT BROTHERS!!! Oh man was that good. The crowd in the stuffy ol' Peace Center spent the whole show on their feet. They started as a mostly bluegrass-y group, but apparently, over the years they've become a bluegrass-oriented hard rock-ish band. So my parents, for having sat through that rockin' good time, are no longer "old farts." They are now "young whippersnappers."

But I started this blog to let y'all know how my recovery is going, so let's get down to it. A state of the union address (wait, as a Southerner, shouldn't that be "state of the Confederacy"?):
1) This week ends my 1st week in the Hospital's Executive Skills 3-days-a-week class (I have no idea why I capitalized that). It's a group class with us 3 students & the teacher. What's said in that room stays in that room, to give us the freedom to say whatever. So I'll refer to my classmates as 484229e52 and 777147973. It turns out that 777147973 was also in a coma, so it's my 1st chance to see what similarities we have-- pretty cool.

2) Other therapies kinda come with getting into the Executive Skills class as a package deal. So although Occupational Therapy (I don't know why I have a thing about capitalizing tonight) was the 1st therapy that this hospital graduated me from, I'm back in it, and this time, it appears to be less about arm strength and more about getting skills that are employable.

3) Speech "therapy" is in the package deal. The first time I took speech therapy (with someone else), it was ALL ABOUT memory. Now I'm been through 4 or 5 speech therapists. Since it has become harder to be CLEAR in my speech, I have had to actively slow down the rate at which I speak-- not easy when your mind races at a million-miles-a-second as it does for us genius folks. ;-) The reason I originally put "therapy" in quotes is that since that therapist was doing absolutely nothing that had to do with my speech production, I eventually went to a private pay-my-own-way high school drama coach-- and he is very good, but he's on "pause" right now while I get this new hospital speech therapy figured out.

4) Vision therapy - I stopped that on Monday the 27th. (or maybe that was just pushing "pause"-- we'll see) I have 2 vision issues: A) I see double (issue with my brain, not my eyes-- which surgery can't correct-- or well, surgery CAN correct, but then I rather like this "living") The best they said they could do is bring the two images in line with each other ONLY WHEN I LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD. As in, look at something out of the corner of my eye, and there's the double image again. B) The image from my right eye (that's the one that was injured) is slanted about 30 degrees. No glasses could correct THAT they say. "If I don't backslide, I won't be back," I say.

So all these therapies come with the Executive Skills class. This entire 1st week was just testing, so I won't see if they have any good ideas until next week. But the new speech therapist actually was testing my tongue strength in various (odd) ways, so they might ACTUALLY work on my speech (I know, crazy).

local town "names"

So I thought I'd share the nicknames I have for the local towns (most of these are what they're commonly known by 'round heah):

Greenville = Gvegas
Spartanburg = Sparkle-city
Traveler's Rest = Traveler's Breast
Greer = Rear
Wallhalla = We'll Holla... atcha
Easley = Sleazely
Pickens = Charles Pickens (the author), or for the dating scene, Slim Pickens

If you have cute nicknames for towns near you, click on "Comments" below and tell us.

voting in "leaders"

Several surgeons were talking about which kind of patient was easiest to operate on. The first surgeon said "Well I like to operate on librarians because once you open 'em up, it's all alphabetized." The second one said "Well I like to operate on accountants because when you open them up, everything's in numeric order." The third one said "Well I like to operate on electricians, because when you open them up, everything's color-coded." The fourth one said "Well I like to operate on politicians, because when you open them up, they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable."

to bring tight closure to the subject...

Is it just a coincidence that "claustrophobia" and "closetrophobia" are so much alike?

just. plain. wrong.

So late-night TV ads have sunk low. Very low. They're now making money off of this: https://www.911twenty.com/ There are 2,740 reasons why this is oh so shameful.

42 ways to have 42 good days in a row

Have fun playing this.

So it's not surprising that my favorite book is The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (by Brit Douglas Adams).

I've read it/them a number of times. I say them since that 1st book turned out only to be the start of 5 books in an "increasingly inaccurately misnamed trilogy." A VERY important number in that book is 42. (grab a copy to find out why, and now you can get all 5 books in one hard-bound volume) So just recently, we figured out for the 1st time why I'm drawn to that number:
-Born at 4216 Melbourne Court
-Grew up at 42 Springwood Drive
-4 Fathom Court, on lot 2

Have a never-ending series of 42 fantastic days!

camping again

Sorry, no jokes today (or maybe this IS one and I don't know it). In preparation for this weekend's big event, I went camping last night in the back yard. It went fine considering I hear I've done it a ton before... until at 6:00 AM I used my cell phone to call my parents and say "There's a bear! There's a bear! Turn on all the lights and make noise!" Yeah, that would have been a great plan... if there actually WAS a bear. We think it was like a possum.
"This weekend's big event" is my sail club raises money for Hospice of the Upstate by having a large regatta that folks from all over come to and donate all the entry fees, etc., to Hospice. Good people all around.

uh oh, WHO'S got a driver's permit?!?

OH YEAH, I just went down to the DMV and GOT my South Kakalaki driver's permit!!! Thus ends about 5 months of my parental units' hard work!

Oh, a joke, well since you're so insistent...
A blond/brunette/redhead guy/girl goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my arm, my leg, my back, my head, my feet..." The doctor listens for a while and listens to the never-ending list of pains: "I know what's wrong. Your finger's broken." (Guy/girl/etc since I'm am equal opportunity insulter)

Knight Industries Two Thousand

So to break some record somewhere for the most blog posts in one day... tonight, the ORIGINAL series premiere of KITT was on NBC!!!
http://www.nbc.com/Knight_Rider/?__source=ggl|kitt+tv|Character+-+Kitt|KnightRider08_Specific&sky=ggl|kitt+tv|Character+-+Kitt|KnightRider08_Specific
Took me right back to my childhood... I loved that show, and now it's on again! And to make it even more of a KITT day (I didn't know the show was going to be on), right before that I had stopped by a Radio Shack, and BOUGHT MY OWN KITT THAT WHEN IT TURNS ON, HAS THE LIGHTS ON THE SIDES, AND SAYS "Hello, Jeffrey, where would you like to go today?" HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?
http://www.knightridergps.com/

JUNK BUTTER! VEGAS HERE I COME!

So I came downstairs to do some reading for my schoolwork, and since the class is online only, I always check the class website beforehand, which has class discussions, mail, announcements, and grades. AND HOW 'BOUT SOME GRADES?!? I knew I already got a 87% on the test. When I was taking the test, I thought one question was worded so that there was not a correct answer in the multiple-choice answers. I sent it to me professor. HE AGREED THE QUESTION WAS WORDED ODDLY! AND HE GAVE ME CREDIT FOR IT! AND, NOW THAT THE WHOLE CLASS HAS TAKEN THE TEST, HE ADDED A SLIGHT CURVE TO BRING THE AVERAGE UP TO A "B." BETWEEN THOSE FACTORS, -=I GOT A 100%=- WOO HOO! Add that to my only other class grade of 100, and you'll get an average of-- hang on, let me pull out a calculator, no OK pencil, no OK bang two rocks together...

Zoinks! Ruh roh! Rack o' reep?

So I have sleep issues. (wonder why) So last night I was tired (surprising) and went to bed at 10 (REAL surprising-- I normally go to sleep somewhere in the neighborhood of midnight to 2). So I'm laying there... FOR...EV...ER. Not so much on the sleep coming, which is a new record. I tried counting, but never could get past 42 (you need to read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to understand why that's my favorite number), but then I had a good idea. I thought "Huh. War. What is it good for? Huh. You know... if everybody had a strawberry milkshake in EACH hand, no room for weapons, and then we'd all feel the joy all the time anyways... (time goes by) Which could lead to more problems-- everybody'd be feeling so loving, the marriage proposals would be flying, so if there are any relatives nearby... errrrm. And if folks learn that all you gotta do to get free strawberry milkshakes airdropped in is start a war... hrrrm." Okay, never mind on the "good idea," but at least I can blame lack o' sleep for being cRAZy. But hey, having an odd sense o' humor is better than my impression of baked bread that doesn't rise for five weeks. (Hoo-ah. Thank you, thank you, be sure to tip your waitstaff. I'll be here all week)

A religious man goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says he's in good health, and asks if he has any other questions. The man replies "Nope, I've led a good life and God's been good to me because he turns on the light for me when I got to the bathroom at night." Then the man leaves and his wife comes in. The doctor says "Your husband's in good PHYSICAL health, but I think he's gone koo-koo. He thinks that God literally turns on the light for him when he gets up in the middle of the night to pee." The wife replies "OOOOHHHH! THAT explains the yellow liquid in the fridge every morning!"

testing again, sorry

Well, I've got this cool Google blog, and it lets you send updates to up to 10 email addresses. So I created a groups.google.com email address, and that now gets the updates... and more than 10 folks can join the email group, edit your own settings, join leave, whatever. http://groups.google.com/group/jeff-knox-blog-updates?hl=en But, when you post to the blog, you get one immediate chance to edit that post before it goes out, like if you re-read it and realize you left a typo in. So I'm using this to see if the edited version goes out TO THE EMAIL GROUP or not.
THIS IS THE EDITED VERSION
Please click on the Comments link right below this on the blog, and leave feedback as to the "edited version" or "unedited version" went out the email group.

Question of the day: if you hit caps lock before (or hold down shift during) pressing the space key, is that space now in upper-case or lower-case?

Now, old grasshopper...

Simply wow. Just wow. Ouch wow!

And today I had the artist from Charisma Art and her teen daughter on my sailboat. The wind conditions were so strong we held off for a bit, but in the end we went, and it went fantastic! It was the 1st-ever time I've had 5 people on board, but it worked fine! They're both sailing almost-newbies, but they had their turn "turning the tiller toward the tattling telltale" ("steering" for the lubbers) and did very well! I've made a wall downstairs that's dedicated to her artwork since over the last year, I've bought 7 in total at various street shows!

do ya play cards?

Incredibly weird random odd fact for the day:
If you take all the cards in one suit out of a full deck of cards, and write down the English spoken name, then count up the letters in that name, add that number to a running tally that started at 0, then do the next card in the same fashion until you've run through the suit once... you'll see an oddly familiar number to a deck of cards. Please don't comment what it is. HOW STRANGE. What's even stranger is that somebody figured this out.

re-learning gear is starting to roll

Sorry, no jokes today. (Or maybe you'll think this IS one.) So I'm taking a college course at my local community college (and the class is online only-- perfect for a guy who can't drive by himself-- yet). The reason I'm taking the class is only to get my brain back into "learning mode." (I was having a heck of a time re-learning to be a software engineer) And to verify that point, I already had credit for taking this class (psychology) from my time at good ol' FU. So last week was the first test. And today is the first day of grades being known. I got a ... c'mon, pay up if you wanna know... a... oh, alright... 43.00 (out of 50.00. So if you want me to be somewhere, I'll solidly B there!

I didn't have any Option but winning

So a while ago, I got one of my favorite additions to my game closet (well, okay, sheesh, closets): Option. (I got it for $3 at a Habitat For Humanity home store) Let me give you a rundown of scores since I keep a Google 'gaming' calendar with what day, who, when & what scores.

9/9/2008: mom: 99, dad: 118, guess who?: 2,429

9/12/2008: mom: 87, dad: 97, guess who?: 3,044

9/13/2008: mom: 101, dad: 121, guess who?: 1,305

9/17/2008 2 player: dad: 109, guess who?: 3,071

9/20/2008 2 player: mom: 112, guess who?: 703

9/21/2008: mom: 77, dad: 84, guess who?: 3,758 -- carefully placing ONE TILE earned me 366 points

So women, aren't brains sexy?

COMMENTS!

It's only taken 8 months for this software engineer to figure out how, but ... I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW TO ENABLE COMMENTING ON POSTS HERE!!! When commenting, be aware the comment will be public & please be mindful of the fact that other folks read this blog than you. Or, write your comment down on paper first, go stand on a crowded city corner, and just yell it a few times. If nobody hits you, all right then. If nobody thinks you're crazy for standing and yelling on the corner... you're in the right town.

Back to your regularly scheduled program:

So a person starts choking in a restaurant, and their dinner partner stands up & yells "Can anybody help?!?" A good citizen comes over quickly and ... licks the choker. They stop coughing right away. The dinner partner is like "Thanks so much, but what the heck? How did you do that?" The life-saver says "Well, I'm Mr. Heim... that was a Heim-lick maneuver." (That's a Jeff Knox Original. That's also maybe why I can't find a girlfriend. Note to self: "no jokes on first dates, just read the menu out loud if you have to")

late at night, things get... a little more truthful?

So late last night, I was downstairs , and mom hollered down the stairwell "Bud, I'm coming downstairs, I'm just gonna do something in my craft room." I HEARD "Bud, I'm coming downstairs, I'm just gonna do something in my crack pipe." Seriously. Maybe you hear what you expect to hear. (Mom: "Girl you know it's true, ooh ooh ooh, I love you")
Oh dear. Put down that pen and paper you're going to use to keep track of how many times I quote Milli Vanilli on my blog. Oh dear goodness me. And link to their Wikipedia page. I clearly need help. Are there any "-ists" in the house?

for the English dweebs

See if this wins ya a bar bet, a Scrabble match, or ... here ya go.

Shake a spear(e)

The King James Version of the Bible was completed when William Shakespeare was forty-six years old. In Psalm 46 of this translation, the forty-sixth word is “shake,” and the forty-sixth word from the end is “spear.” So incredibly odd.

racing sailboats again!

Okay, so the BIG news of the day/week/month/year from all of is ... wait for it ... WE DID OUR 1ST TWO REAL SAILBOAT RACES IN "REBOOTED" ON 8/31 (laptop died is the reason for the delay) I've been looking forward to that... well, let's just say A LONG TIME. Yeah, we made a lot of mistakes, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth (almost entirely by me), and our finishing place wasn't good at all, but you can't win or get better if you don't play the game. And we were out there mixin' it up with 'em... well, okay, behind 'em. Geez, since you're so pushy, we almost tied the first race(for last place), but we learned later that we did correct over him since his boat's design is faster. And the 2nd race... yeah we scored a "TLE," which I'd hoped meant Totally Lapped Everybody, but I think means Tell Listeners Everything about how NOT to race, 'cause you get scored that when you cross the finish line over half-an-hour after the winner. So, we got some work to do. Yes, we did race. No, we did not use all the sails at our disposal. Is anyone surprised that there is nowhere to go but up from here?

And look at this late-night-TV hotness: http://tv.trikke.com/

alien abduction ... INSURANCE?!?

Oh. My. Goodness.
http://www.ufo2001.com/
http://www.alienabductioninsurance.com/

Good advice
http://www.alienabductioninsurance.com/insurance-tips.html

How to get it:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2046642_get-alien-abduction-insurance.html

How to claim it:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2051076_claim-alien-abduction-insurance.html

Wikipedia'd:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_abduction_insurance

just hot-air blowing

So I just discovered that not all of my blog posts were published like I thought they were (and how to enable reader's comments), some were "saved as draft," which would explain why I haven't always made sense (that or the TBI, hmmm). So, let me backfill the only one that wasn't just hot-air blowing: here.
I'm discovering tricks!

• Like
• this
• list

1. And
2. a
3. numbered
4. one
   

One more way Apple sneaks in "acting evil"

My old laptop is dying or dead and it had all my jokes on it. Sorry, but the truth is I'm not that funny. This is coming to ya from the new hotness laptop.

Caution iTunes users (all those of you who have Apple iPoo'ds): a window just popped up on my Intel PC saying "Apple software update. New software: Safari." I was like "APPLE??? What the heck?" (I forgot that I've installed some Apple software) So before choosing any buttons I did a Google search: One, Two, Googled
So there are 2 lessons here: 1) DON'T DO IT- just since you downloaded iTunes they're trying to sneakily install THEIR web browser 2) Apple is desperate, so buy anything not Macintosh.

Funniest. Human. Ever.

THE man (Brian Regan) is getting his own TV show thingy. The name of the show's also the name of his new DVD ("The Epitome Of Hyperbole"), so I'm in the "confused, just wait, watch and see" category. And I don't know yet if the show has some cockamamie plot, or is stand-up or what, or even if it's recurring, so... um... just remember that you heard it here 1st.
10 PM eastern Sat. Sept. 6th I know where I'll be... Comedy Central!

the race is on

Okay, so you've got several choices in this upcoming U.S. presidential election. A look at some of the runners:

-The jObama ticket:
"Quarterback passes the ball to the fast guy, who quickly runs into trouble, and hands off to jObama... WHO GOES ALL... THE... WAY!" And what really weirds me out, the team's made out of all the same guy. The other TV channel says they have candidates whose names can't be fused into one, but that's just plain... oh hey, look over there! Away from them! Quicker!

-The McPal ticket:
Now seeing how much Americans love their McBurgers & everyone could use a friend, hmmm... Some of their campaign slogans:
"You deserve a break today." Mandated breaks at your place of employment? YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER! (Just open this junk mail to find out)
"Good time, great taste (that's why this is our place)" Ummm, exactly HOW DOES America taste? Or if we vote you in, does that mean we have to eat you?
"What you want is what you get" Yeah, we know, that's why someone ... oh I don't know, invented VOTING?
"We love to make you smile" Now THAT'S the winning campaign slogan. I'll tell ya what makes ME smile: free strawberry milkshakes or the Sonic's blended soda/ice cream floats.
"I'm lovin' it" Maybe, maybe not. We'll just see if the voters are lovin' it.

I just wanted to share what I'm calling the tickets. And if any of this seems biased, it's not supposed to be, because I haven't chosen yet. If I made fun of your candidate, well, pick a better candidate.

the drives are getting even longer

Now I wish I could say "the drives are getting even longer" about my golf game, but I reached a new height today when I drove all the way from home to my speech coach's!!! Click here to see.

oh yeah... WHO'S driving? (sometimes)

Well my recovery reached a new level today! I drove to play disc golf, then I drove ALL THE WAY from there to the Hut for lunch & back again! The whole time we were out of the house, if we were driving, I was driving! I've never done that before! Luckily, there are two of the world's greatest restaurants within an hour-- Barley's & the Hut! Oh... it's so fine... to live in... South Caroline! Sorry to non-SC dwellers that you have to live so far away... But maybe if you started walking last week...

ups & downs

Well, today had it's ups & downs.

Ups: I drove from The Sonic near Gvegas (Greenville) ALL THE WAY HOME (that's about 45-60 minutes)!!! That's the 1st time! My folks (understandably) didn't feel comfortable up until today with me driving on a two-lane road with a posted speed limit of 55. But I did it fine. So yay!

Downs: We arrive home safely to a phone call from my credit card company's fraud department. I paid for lunch today with my credit card, and then it was used around 6:00 pm in Ohio for two charges, one being around $600. So at least they know that charge is in dispute. Ummm, hello, living in SC here & don't have a driver's license yet. Capiche?

Today is my parents' anniversary!

Hooray hooray hooray! And to make it even cooler, one of them gave to the other a stand-up piece of chestnut tree (it's decorative). And... get this... we counted the rings to see how old it was... TWENTY-NINE YEARS!!! That has massive significance related to my age!!!

A glimpse into everyday life in this household: Mom just got a single new lens in her glasses. This thing is, well, solar-systm-sized. So here are some of our comments over breakfast:
-I hear ya talking but can't see where the words are coming from!
-Los Alamos called, their gonna want back their equipment to see nuclear blasts from 2 feet away.
-We called NASA and said the Hubble is rubble, 'cause we can see Alpha Centauri from here!
-The U.S.S. Endeavor called. They said they need their anchor back.
-What is Ghengis Khan like, since you can see backward through time?

Wave a FLAG

A guy walks into a bar with a huge chunk of asphalt under his arm. He tells the bartender ...
... "I'll take a beer and I'll take one for the road too."

So tonight @ dinner, my old collegiate FLAG club came up in conversation. At Furman, it was Friends of Lesbians And Gays, kinda important for an ultra-conservative community. I made the point that it was very different from the FLAG club @ my parents' old place of residence (which we always refer to as 'Del Boca Vista Phase 3" from Seinfeld), which was mostly a retirement community. In Del Boca, the FLAG club was Forgotten and Lost At the Golf club.

I'VE BEEN RECOGNIZED BY SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW!

What did the ocean say when it saw the sky? Nothing, it just waved.

So we stopped by F.U. on the way home today. Since we were there, I stopped by my old C.S. building to chat with some of my professors. One of them had two students in his office, but waved me in since they weren't busy. And one of the students said something like "Hey, aren't you the guy that started the Ultimate Frisbee team here?" Oh heck yeah!

how far?

I just got back from a 1.9 mile hike, the longest since the wreck! And I know it was 1.9 because we asked a park ranger about the 2 mile hike... and got corrected. Yeah. 1.9, what's the next decimal place? And your answer didn't involve pi, come on.

From my high school buddy Tom: What did the ocean say when it saw the sky?

Happy ate day!

Happy ate day everybody! It's just gonna be g8. In the afternoon, I hope to look back and say I 8 a good lunch and that I feel my stomach is s8ted. If you play billiards, the trick is for the shot to go str8. And best of luck to anybody who- like me- is looking for a potential m8- I've learned you wanna start with a first d8. I'd r8 today right up there. Happy ate day! 8/8/8

O. M. G. (That means "oh my goodness" if you're not from this century. And get off our internet-- it's not yours) The Sonic's Strawberry Cream Pie shake has finally been replaced. It had been a STAPLE of my diet since the wreck. (I also haven't lost much weight since the coma. Hmmm) Tonight I tried instead their... "blended float." It's just sugar-free, non-alcoholic diet coke (sowdah of choice) with a tad bit of ice cream. (Okay, for the winning side of the civil war, diet coke is a "pop." Soda's still sowdah. Slow down when saying that)

So here are some suggested spellings I've collected that only make sense if you're not FROM EARTH. These are from Firefox-- the greatest web browser ever-- and OpenOffice-- the greatest free replacement for Microsoft Word & Excel among others.

TYPED | MEANT | OPENOFFICE SUGGESTIONS | FIREFOX SUGGESTIONS
Drvng | Driving | Droning | Drawing, nerving, curving, carving, serving
Yeatersay | Yesterday | Watershed | Ratepayer's, Paterson
Barack | Barack | Ba rack | Ba rack
Obama | Obama | Bamako, Okayama | Alabaman, mamba
Rike | "I rike it a rot" | Nike, Pike, rile, rice | Trike, dike

So gr8t spelluhrs uv the wurld untie! Thair's too plehces that myght hire ya if yoo 4m a pickit line ehround 'm.

oh it's gonna be just Grand

And the slow death of long distance calling charges begins... do you hear the call of change?
GrandCentral

BEFORE YOU TRY WARNING: once you pick a number, you can't change your mind and start over and get a new number-- yet? that's why you won't see my # on my blog yet. Plus eventually, there'll be a WebCall button on this page that calls you first, once you pick up, then calls me. So you may wanna think it over for a week/month/year, plus they're in beta (sigh jeez, "testing") and haven't finished making the service yet, so waiting may get ya more options. I know this because I got a number ... in the same area code I'm in. Duh. Stupid brain injury. Plus, at this point, it's only possible to pick your area code, but long distance charges are set by area code PLUS phone number prefix, so they may get around to that problem, until then, choose carefully.

It's cool stuff though...
1) if someone leaves you a voice-mail, you can access it later from ANY computer, and you can forward funny ones VIA EMAIL
2) you can route calls from certain people to certain phones (I suggested adding certain times of day 2 certain phones along with)
3) you will no longer have voice-mail at home, at work, on your cell, all in one place
For a better list of cool features, GrandCentral Features

They're in testing, so please speak up about any useful feedback. Cheers from Google Land!

my old sailboat's doing great!

So I found out today that Qwerty (sailboat, recently became ex-mine) is doing well, her mast gets to enjoy the luxury of staying up instead of going up & down every time, and... she's looking RIGHT AT No man is an... ... ... ... (island)!

the "information age"

So the internet was invented yesterday. At least, according to Wachovia (WalkAllOvahYah). I owe dad some money. We both have individual checking accounts at WalkAllOvahYah. Since we had to go to our local branch anyway to deposit a check, we asked there if we could transfer the money electronically. Their answer: "Well, ummm... you could... maybe-- hey Billy-Bob, stay AWAY from the livestock-- sorry, maybe er, do BillPay?" So I came home & tested that first, added my parents as a biller, then added and paid a $2 bill. And dad just got a printed check in the mail (physical mail, not email) for $2!!! Hellooooo? What complete nonsense! And I just called their "Online Services" department, thinking that there was something I'd missed. No. They're too busy dealing with Billy-Bob. Since WalkAllOvahYah is our ONLY local bank, I can't wait to move to a bigger town-- sorry, scratch that-- a town at all. At least, a town without Billy-Bob.

Give me a brake

So driving therapy took a big step forward this morning: WE GOT A BRAKE INSTALLED IN MY CAR FOR THE PASSENGER SEAT! And since I felt so confident in it... we went for a sail. Not being one to take things at the face value folks claim they're at (I do play poker), we tested it. It appears to work! So if I'm ever in a car wreck, you'll know it's not my fault! ;-)

NOW I'VE (RE-)MET MY WHOLE AMBULANCE!

So tonight I met (or re-met, from her point of view) THE OTHER MEMBER OF MY AMBULANCE CREW!!! (See this post for when I met the first) And when we left the scene of the crime, SHE THOUGHT I WAS DEAD!!! And she came to work on her day OFF just to meet me! It was just simply AWESOME to be able to look her in the eye and shake her hand. And I also got to drop off invitations to share in my joy with me at my many free-ish hobbies/activities with either/both of them! THIS IS A MASSIVE THANK YOU TO BOTH OF YOU!

WOO

HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Independance day!

Merry July 4th, all. It was special for us for two reasons: 1) last year, we were all in my hospital, 2) it was the first ever time we saw the fireworks from the water, on the pontoon boat! It was cool! There were like 6 shows going on at once, so it was spin-around-o-rama, and cool all around. Okay since you asked, the third reason: with my double vision, I saw TWO shows! How cool is that? And with the reflection in the water... yeah. I'm just glad we made it back safe from drunk-boating extravaganza. (and earlier tonight I asked "Okay, we get it. We're independent of Britain. Can we just move on now?")

I'm 1 re-year old today!

I'M 1 RE-YEAR OLD TODAY!!! (7/1) It's my first ever Rebirthday! My Rebirthday occurred when I WAS comatose and it was the first time I followed a command. ("Hand the bottle of water to G----- over there.") That's the first time I showed any signs of being alive (yes, I had breathing and feeding tubes) So we rejoiced by sailing on Rebooted! It was the first ever time that we rigged her and did the entire show ourselves! And after rigging her, we don't hate each other!

Two roof antennas decided to get married. The wedding wasn't that good, but the reception was awesome.

lunch was kinda cool

So today, I was having lunch at a place tied for the greatest restaurant ever, and lunch was very cool. (I'm like Norm @ Cheers there, just need to order "the usual.") Very cool indeed. I ate at the bar (rain was forecasted), and the two guys to my right were very interesting indeed. Two spots down was a sailor, so I found someone who would get the saying I had in the hospitals: "Yeah, I'm strongly heeling to starboard." And then, the fellow directly to my right was a software developer too, in Gvegas, at a company I'D HEARD OF, and HE was in a car wreck too. Wonders haven't ceased. Now they have. Oh, nope, still going.

So after Firefox download day, it took DAYS of adding old bookmarks back in. The reason is simple: it's just that I edited userchrome.css to move the buttons around in Firefox 2. Anybody else here? Anybody else?

I was wrong. This week DOES get better

Okay, so I thought getting my own F.S. was pretty cool. It still is. However, I thought it would be the crescendo of the week... I was so wrong. ("You have many things yet to learn, young grasshopper.")

Tonight I met (1st time from my side, 2nd for her) ... A MEMBER OF MY AMBULANCE CREW!!! (I'll meet the other later) I mean, owning a new (well, to me) Flying Scot sailboat is one thing, warmly shaking the hand and looking in the eye one of the two people WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE just makes that look petty, takes all it's fun toys away, makes fun of how pitiful it looks, beats it up twice just to make sure, and then kicks it until it has a 90% chance of kicking IT. (sound familiar?) Sarah, THANK YOU for being a deliverer of MY 10%!!!

#4893

So yesterday, I met the only neighbors we'll ever have. Pretty cool.

So today, my BEST WEEK EVER came to a crescendo (tomorrow's going to be very cool, but lost that race). You know, it's simple, going into a five week coma and coming out of it makes it very clear what matters in life. Through that process, you get a clew as to what's important (technically, two clews). This morning, Harry Carpenter HIMSELF delivered MY new sailboat, Flying Scot #4893. (SEE if Google can make the connection between Mr. Carpenter & Scots) They're so massively stable (that's why we chose them, that and the fact that I've crewed mostly on this kind of sailboat for two years), we had two folks stand on the edge of the side, hold onto the sidestays, and lean wayyyy out. And it STILL wouldn't capsize. ("tip over" as the lubbers say) And a bud also with F.S. of his own (that I've crewed for before) helped me out massively in the learning curve process. Spencer went out for a 15 min. sail with us, and was EXTREMELY helpful in sharing all the things he's learned from boat ownership of the exact same type. This is a public THANK YOU, Spencer. You know, if this looking death square in the face experience has taught me anything, life's TOO SHORT not to own a Flying Scot.

And then, to put this over the edge for the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE, we got home and a large Cafepress(.com) box was sitting on our doorstep. Now I haven't finished making shirts (of my own designs) in all possible colors, etc, but I have at least one of each in MY size shirt, and that's what I ordered to get me rolling. (The stores will be, or are, on the upper-right of this page.) You know, when the time came to order them, I had to find out what size shirt I wore... large. I was like "LARGE?!?! Why don't they just call me fat? APPARENTLY, lying on your back asleep in hospitals for five weeks make you put on a few pounds. WHOEVER would've guessed that?" Then I looked at all the shirts I owned before the wreck... ummm yeah, never mind.

The week of ME

So, I hate to be a me-monster, but this week is going to be VERY COOL for me. (Check back here on Wed. & Thurs. nights)
Today/tonight we went for a pontoon boat ride with our new neighbors, the only neighbors we're ever gonna have! We met them very briefly before they moved in, and they just now, after a week or so, are starting to dig their way out of box-land. And guess what??? THEY WERE COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS TOO!!! (of course, it WAS in Cobol and Fortran, but what can I say besides "What? I'm staying in a RETIREMENT community.")

Speech therapy's wall

From Dad: "Why does Kenny G play the saxophone every day? Because otherwise it would be constipated."

So in speech therapy today, I saw a sign on the wall of my speech therapist's office: "Attention S.T. gals, (velum roundup gang): stuff words things et cetera et cetera". That's because -I- call them that. APPARENTLY, the "velum" is the back part of your tongue, and she was having me do all these exercises for it: raise it, relax it, tie a bowtie with it... so I've made the wall with my words... new goal: get my face up there somehow. Oh wait, not on "Missing" or "Wanted"... hmmm forget I said anything.

My memory is BACK!

My memory is BACK! (except for living with HER) I went to Gvegas's "Downtown Alive" tonight, and part of main street was closed down for the live (loud) music, food vendors, et al, but through the large crowd I spied a guy that I THOUGHT I recognized, and told my pains "Hold on, I'm gonna check something." So I walked over and asked the guy, "Pardon me, do you know B------ K--------?" He goes, "Well, I hope so, 'cause that's me!" Well, that is just AMAZING! This guy was on my freshman hall IN COLLEGE! That's ELEVEN YEARS AGO! I mean, even normal folks without my memory issues would maybe not recognize THAT!

Poker? What's that!?!

From Dad: "Why does Kenny G play the saxophone every day?"

O. M. G.
So I useda have a regular weekly poker group, and we specialized in Texas Hold 'em. So tonight, I was happy to see the poker group for the community I'm TEMPORARILY staying in met at 7:00pm and Dad and I went. O. M. G. Dealer's choice of which game. So we played:
1) 7 card stud, 3s and 9s wild.
2) 5 card draw, the card immediately following a face-up queen is wild. (don't ask)
3) A crosswords-like game, where if you get a four face-up, you get an extra card.
Oh, and you can bet ANYTHING you want, as long as it's between 9 and 11 cents. EXCEPT unless the person immediately before you bets ten cents, then you need to open with two dimes. Oh, and dimes aren't worth 10 cents here, they're worth an imaginary number of cents that only the person three to the left of the dealer knows.
When it got back to my deal, since it was dealer's choice, I was going to play this (but forgot): "Okay, the way this complex game works is... wait for it... one card each. Oh, and it's up. Oh, and there's 42 rounds of betting (bluffers beware). And whatever card you have is wild, but ONLY on the third Tuesday of the month, but ONLY if 7:42pm follows 8:42pm THAT DAY ONLY. I'll assume if, during the betting rounds, any snoring is to be taken as a "call." I was going to say good luck, but since I'm no longer sure if luck has anything to do with it... everybody, good."
That all WOULD be humorous if I was joking. But, somehow, in my recovery, I learned what a joke IS, and at 7 pm tonight I was there.
O. M. G.

Facebook.com

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver? One goes whack, damn. The other goes damn, whack.

I am in such good spirits because through Facebook.com, I found out that a guy a maybe kinda knew about 10 years ago is keeping other folks updated on my progress. Holy cow!!! Talk about WIDE support networks!

And then a musician wandered along the beach, but no one needed him at that time.

Feeling sheepish

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

Forgot to add: while @ Freedom Weekend Aloft, there was a lady selling real cool artwork that I got two of. (http://www.charisma-art.com)

I MADE IT A YEAR!

...AND I HAD A 10% CHANCE OF EVER COMING OUT OF THE COMA! WOO-HOO! COMA SHMOMA!
To help me celebrate, do the following two activities (separately) while sitting in your own home version of my comfy chair:
1) Raise your right foot off the ground and move it in grandiose clockwise circles. Now simultaneously write with your hand a big number six in the air.
2) Next, take your hand and move it in circles where the top of the circle is away from you and the bottom is toward you. Now do the other hand in the opposite direction. Now try both AT THE SAME TIME.

... dancin' machine...

So, today we went to Freedom Weekend Aloft. That's a festival/race among hot air ballooners in Simpsonville. The lead balloon takes off (the "hare"), and places a giant X on a piece of tarp in a field some distance away. Then the other balloons (we counted at least sixteen) try to follow and drop numbered sand bags as close as they can to the target, and the time it took to get there counts too. We saw the hare take off and go one way, and then the other balloons ... well, at least they got airborne.

Mostly we watched dogs (and their owners) compete in a "throw the disc (frisbee) for distance and see if the dog catches it, or even cares" competition.

And while walking around, a child walked up to us and asked, "Do you know where my dad is?" So we took time handing him over to the police and they noticed the kid had a phone number written in LARGE numbers on his arm (it was the mom's cell #). He can't POSSIBLY have ever gotten lost before.

Well, on the festival side of things, we were leaving when I stopped to watch a sista and her child (both of color) jivin' in the middle of the street to some loud music. Then, surprising even myself, I asked to join in. So, yes, my booty was out there, groovin' and a shakin' in the middle of the street. (Single women from Greenville, SC take note) So between that incident and my horrible sunburn (two nights so far with gauze padding on one shoulder) and my physical therapy ... well, they say white men can't dance, but... my booty-shakin' is getting betta like butta.

RC boat!!!

So President Bush and Vice-President Cheney (yeah, I'll admit to needing help with that) were having breakfast at a restaurant, and the waitress asks "Mr. Cheney, what would you like?" He says bacon and eggs. She then says, "And Mr. Bush, how can we please you?" He replies, "A quickie." The waitress leaves in a huff. Cheney turns to Bush and says, "Sir, that's pronounced 'keesh.'"

So, today was a huge day for me... my sailing club, WCSC, had a race today. Well, not just ANY race, but day 1 (a practice-only day) of the Buccaneer North American championships! (a four day event including the practice day) And I was on the RC boat with the PRO! (race committee & principal race officer to lubbers) I was raising and lowering signal flags, and writing down the finisher's sail numbers as they finished. All in all, it was really great practice for MY eventual sailboat races... getting used to the starting sequence was a fantastic opportunity, and MAYBE means I'll avoid being OCS when I race, but since they aren't related, we'll see. ("on course side" of the starting line)

Windsurfer

Is there a more ridiculous question than "Will you remember this?"

What do you call making bread? A yeast infliction.

So, today, while playing miniature golf with my great-aunt (who is great), we saw a guy windsurfing on the lake... with someone else floating in the water. At first, we were all like "isn't windsurfing done solo?" Then the someone else got out of the water, and it was a dog! How cool is that?!?

Standard answers

I'm writing a book about my experiences (seriously), but I only got as far as chapter 11 and then I went bankrupt.

Standard form filling-out answers (EXCEPT for at the DMV): 1) Who to contact in case of an emergency: A DARN GOOD DOCTOR. 2) Sex: (M) (F) (I write in "NOT LATELY"). Let me know if there are any other good ones out there, please.

Ending credits...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the "Milky Way".

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

first swim o' the year

Is there a crash course in learning how to fly?

I forgot to post this yesterday, but on Monday 5/5, I VERY HESITANTLY went swimming on "Brad Beach." First it was just toe bubble while the boat was moving, and I was like "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" but then we stopped at the infamous beach and I tried water-walking (walking IN water, not ON water). Next thing ya know... you know who y'are out there. (It's named that 'cause he went swimming there when it was ... oh, I don't know ... FREAKIN' FREEZING)

AND I slept without socks on that night, so (in my books) it's now officially summer.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Nurses

Does wild rice have to be shot?

Ok, so I realized that asking a cop to arrest my mom wouldn't work, 'cause they need probable cause (or Improvable Cause, my old improv comedy troupe). So I thought I should say "pssst... check that lady who's not related to me for drugs." But nah, 'cause how would I know? And the realization was that any joke that ends in a cop frisking you was not a good joke to begin with. It's just in bad taste.

I don't know who this "Oxy" person is, but they must be a real moron.

So, it wasn't until today that I had the realization that several female nurses saw me naked in the hospital. Hmmmm... yeah... you know that mental list every guy always has of all the women who've seen him naked? Added two to mine...

If you eat lots of alphabet soup, do you have lots of vowel movements?

Dad's olde English... when he's asleep

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? He studied all year for the bra exam.

A mushroom ran into a bar with another mushroom and the bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve boring old food here." The mushroom replied "But I'm a fungi and I gotta shitake here."

Why is it called a strike in baseball when the batter misses the ball?

A few nights ago, mom went to the bathroom in the middle of the night (how dare her), and when she came back to bed, Dad was (in his sleep) mumbling "something something forsook something something." Then the night after that it was "something something from whence cometh, m'lady.." Mom is very clear that it was "m'lady", not "my lady."

So, tonight, after playing every-other-shot-must-be-a-bank-shot miniature golf (my new invention), we had dinner out at a sub joint. In line just after us was a cop, so I let my parents sit down and then asked him if he'd jokingly bust mom for drugs. Scratch that off my list of things to do before I die. (And he said no.) Sure, don't believe me, I JUST LIVE WITH HER. And in all seriousness but also jokingly at the same time, I do check her arms for needle marks daily. Maybe they're between the toes... hmmm...

She's ... my ... cherry pie

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe or drink through that thing?

Confucius say man who stand in front of running car get tired. Man who stand behind get exhausted.

Why did Captain (James TIBURON) Kirk pee on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before. (I lost a shave-your-head bet over his middle name. I was wrong.)

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into a psychologist's office wearing only his shoes. The psych. says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

It just occurred to me that I'm living proof that doctors are wrong EXACTLY 90% of the time (says 10% chance of ever waking up boy). Also (pay attention, you might learn something)... 2 + 2 is ... 4!

Oh... my... goodness... this morning I got 2 see Dad (I had to tell him how to do it) rocking out to Poison's cover of the song "She's ... my ... cherry pie" with devil horns (thumb and pinky out) and saying "Rock on!" Well, that's one item I can scratch off my things to do before I pass on list. (which is literally a text file on my laptop, and, no, I won't share it.)

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?

"Ooh ooh ooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter!"

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, was it successful?

Today I found out that the wreck affected my IQ-- or at least my memory of how to use a hole-puncher. Got it now.

You would have needed to see the old TV show about a teacher "Welcome back, Kotter" to get this:
So, today, we were playing a game (imagine THAT) and dad was saying "ooh ooh ooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter!" and mom was like "don't bother him during his turn" and dad was like "I was just trash talking-- it's fine..." Now I know that if saying "ooh ooh ooh, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter!" is considered trash-talking... I must live in a near-retirement community. Oh wait, I do. And the fact I recognized that line ... oh... my... goodness.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Ladies day at the sawmill! ...in Pickens Co.

A magician was driving down the road and turned into a driveway.

People who steal corn on the cob are stalkers.

Police were called to a daycare center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Grandma and Grandpa were playing ping-pong (in our basement!), and Grandpa said "Go ahead and serve... I'm ready" and Grandma asked "Did you just say '... old lady?" All of us were howling with laughter after it was explained.

Last time my Grandparents were here, they reminded me, we were driving along home from the airport through Pickens county, and saw a sign that said "Ladies day at the sawmill!" That would have been a great place for me to get a girlfriend with strength in her character ... and elsewhere.

Oh, I have a new idea, let's take a vacation to Hawaii with an extra empty suitcase, and leave with all of their vowels! Optional: come back and watch them try to speak the native language.

Mom said at dinner that the way goats make themselves attractive to potential mates is by urinating ALL OVER themselves, followed by "Why don't you try that, bud?" I held up my finger for everyone to pause, and said "Aaaaaahhhh. Next step?"

"Remember..."

What kind of pennies do cops carry? Copper ones.

Thank god for atheists.

Sorry if I've posted this before, but my pains and I have made two modifications to the language: 1) "good night" became "remember" and 2) "good morning" became "glad you remembered!" We're referring to two notes I put on their pillows for their birthdays: "Please remember to wake up in the morning."

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie?

I can see up the tunnel... and there's sky up there

Okay, first THANKS to everyone who sent messages of love and support. Very much. There's a reason my replies were so short, it's 'cause there were too many to reply to. I suppose I'm at or near the end of the depressed phase. (You know, it's funny, my pains knew this was coming someday) YES, I went through a suicidal phase there for two days. BUT, there is no way I would act on that, I would rather just feel horribly miserable. And I was honest with my pains about what I was feeling at the time I was feeling it. And today, (get ready) I WENT TO GO SEE A PASTORAL COUNSELOR. 29 years of being an atheist... and talking with him for over 2.5 hours did actually make me feel better. It turns out he was a member of WCSC , my sailing club, too! That is, until he was in a bike wreck, and couldn't fly his chute any more (spinnaker, landlubbers). So, some of the things I enjoyed may be different or inaccessible now. I get that now. But life goes on, I choose that, and I will continue to choose that. There will be NO early "so long, and thanks for all the fish" from this corner.

more Duke doctors

So, today I went to the arm tremor specialist. I was incredibly surprised when he asked me to take off my shoes and socks and started feeling my feet. He should expect a dictionary in the mail with all the pages ripped out but one, and the word "arm" circled in red. I was even more surprised to find out that he's a fellow geocacher! And when he asked for my signature on a separate piece of paper, I said "enjoy your new hot tub..."

And yes, I'm still very down about my horrible double vision. Feeling like Marvin the Paranoid Android in the Guide. I've been to 4 doctors about it, so one of these days, maybe I'll try believing one. But maybe (just thinking out loud here) the fifth will see something the previous four haven't. BUT, that is not to say I'm stopping vision therapy, as from it as humanly possible.

So, I went to the Asheboro zoo today (on the way home from the home of the greatest basketball team EVER, Duke). It's the North Cakalaki state zoo, so it's HUGE. (so are those letters- huh) While riding the tram from one section to another, I noticed a sign on the tram that said "No fumar." I was like "well, crud, I brought mine," but dad took it to another level and wisely told me to keep it in my pants.

At one of the doctor's offices in the last two days, I and my parents were directed to have a seat in the "sub-waiting room." Since she had a speech impediment, we all three thought it sounded like the gateway to Heaven and Hell: the Soul Waiting Room. And my soul feels RESTED...

While at the zoo, the solicitor's office called. Whatever would they want to talk to me about? I wonder... Well, long story short == channel four called about doing a story on victims of DUI -- since the state just made it's law on DUI's stronger, and they heard about me through MADD. But, alas, no story on me. The solicitor said "no pre-trial publicity." So from now on she-that-wrecked-my-life (and if you believe 4 doctors, my vision) won't be named here, but y'all will know who I mean. However, channel four is also doing another story I think I'm cut out for-- good looking, single, cute as all-get-out guys between the ages of 28 and 30 (exclusive) who are looking for a date. Oh, and said date must have and be able to use a car, I'm not positive yet that I will be able to. But, since APPARENTLY the vision's not getting any better, I'm "on the road again... just can't wait to get on the road again." And "racin' sailboats again..."

DUKE eye doctor

What do you call a deer with no eyes? (theirs) I have no ideer. (all mine) Properly spelled. A side meat. Roadkill. Redneck thanksgiving.

eHarmMe is all about number 8
First you rate
Then you date
And either you hate
Or it's great
And you hope to mate

When astronauts land on the moon, are they aliens?

What kind of pennies do cops carry?

So, I went to see the Duke eye doctor today for my bad double vision where the image is slanted in my injured eye and sorta moves a small amount. That's after waiting around three hours in two waiting rooms and seeing two pre-doctor doctors. And there was a machine on his desk with the buttons P.O.C., O.V.R., and "Fix" on it. Turn off the "Pain On Command" (or "Pee On Chair", it was a pediatric doctor). Turn ON the "Orbital Vision Rectify". Well, duh, just let me press the "Fix" button and the bad double vision is gone! But... not so much... at all. The doctor said "blah blah blah, sucks to be you, technical jargon technical jargon technical jargon, we don't know of any way to fix THAT, medical terminology medical terminology medical terminology, have a nice day now." So I HEAR people with one eye covered up (i.e. no depth perception) can learn to drive cars. Huh. In three months, helloooo Mayo clinic.

Then, after that incredibly depressing news, we went for a walk around a pond on Duke's campus and saw two girls across the lake with two dogs, so I went over to see if they were friendly (THE DOGS). And they let me pet the dogs and it turns out there was a lesson for me to learn. But first, it turns out they got the dogs from a Humane Society. Go Humane Societies! One of the dogs had ONLY THREE LEGS, because he was in a car wreck. (sound familiar?) But the owner said he had learned to be happy and make the best of what he's got, so maybe I should try that, too. One way or the other, that dog's name should be Eileen.

Well, vision therapy's worked miracles so far, so even though the doc was not hot on 'em, I've proven EVERY doctor wrong so far, so I'm gonna "set my hope on fire."

And I think I'm gonna have very exciting news tomorrow, so stay tuned to the same Bat channel, same Bat time...

There's a Duke t-shirt in my future...

Why are coins made of metal?
1) Because change is hard.
2) Because they're a hard currency.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

GREETINGS from Durham, NC, home of the world's best college basketball team EVER, the Blue Devils.

On the way here, we stopped @ a fast food restaurant to get a ... c'mon ... guess ... strawberry milkshake (imagine THAT) and for the FIRST time, the person working behind the counter actually laughed when I asked my standard question: "Do you take cash here?"

Rock 'n roll!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino. (my pains' sailboat name)

Why are coins made of metal?

So we found out today that dad misheard these lyrics to a rock and roll song by Queen that NORMALLY goes "Another one bites the dust" as "Another one rides the bus." We did what any family would do, and misheard ALL the lyrics together.
"Another one rides the bus.
And, another seat gone
another seat gone
Another one rides the bus
Hey, I'm gonna get that one too
Another one rides the bus."

Cafepress started

Y'all single folks might wanna check these out!

And these! (if you're single)

But maybe not these, because I don't think any of y'all do what (someone you know) does.

I have about 7 more ideas that'll show up here in the next few days/weeks/months.

This'll help SOMEONE (and I forget who) to pay off medical bills in the hundreds of thousands. Oh, wait, I have insurance. Okay, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANY HEALTH INSURANCE YOU CAN FIND!

warning: gate's down, gate's down

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but ...

So, today, 10 months after a horrifying wreck, we took down the gate/door/swing-open thingy at the top of the stairs. It was probably worth it (you think?), but I think I've mentioned that I come from a very Safety Conscious family also. Both are true. Probably? I would highly recommend it.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?

WHOOPGrandCentralWHOOP WHOOP

This is my last blog post ever.
Aptil fools!
What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
Connecticut: like Massachusets only the Kennedys don't own it yet. Mississippi: come and feel better about your state. SC (yay): remember the civil war? We didn't actually surrender Wisconsin: come cut the cheeze.
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

This is ONLY for those of you who live in an apartment or house: we have 2.

http://www.grandcentral.com/ -- free long distance phone calls. I'll use it to make free calls to my relatives in CA and PA. (Maybe they'll put me on the A-Team) That is, once they go public (you should know me, everything Google does...), but they would like more people to sign up while it's in test. DSL was cheaper than dial-up here by $10/month. You should check.

APPARENTLY (there it is again), the first ever radio show of "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" (my favorite EVER book. ever) came on the radio b4 the book appeared, in 1978, and that's the first time anyone listening to the Beeb heard it, or well, anyone. Also that year was the first time anyone heard someone else particularly good looking...

So today (4/01), the alarm sirens for the VERY nearby nuclear power plant went off. Whoops. We looked in the calendar, and it had siren test for today. Notice I said TEST. As in, singular. Then, some time later, it went off again. We called, and they clarified it was 10-12. OHHH.. We'll see if I'm GLOWING with concern after dark...

HULU- watched it 2night!

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? Dam. (mine) Holy carp.
A web page is female because it's always getting hit on.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
I think this means they've gone public? Hulu
"In these short 18 weeks since we began private beta testing, we’ve been working hard to kick the tires and check under the hood in preparation of opening the doors to our site. With well over 10,000 pieces of user feedback, we’ve heard your suggestions, comments, criticisms and praise. Today we are excited to leave our private beta and open Hulu.com to everyone in the U.S.. Our streaming video service is free - anyone in the U.S. with a broadband internet connection and a computer can just press play to enjoy.
We’ve also made significant additions to our content line-up. With the help of over 50 top content providers such as FOX, NBC Universal, MGM, Sony and Warner Bros., we’ve more than quadrupled the number of shows in our library, and on top of that, we’ve added 100 full-length movies. Hulu offers full-length episodes of not only current hit shows like The Simpsons and The Office but also classics like The Incredible Hulk, Miami Vice and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and in some cases, as with Arrested Development, Firefly, and Friday Night Lights, we have every episode ever aired. Our expanded library of full-length movies has something for everyone, from The Usual Suspects to The Big Lebowski, Me, Myself & Irene, Mulholland Drive and (one of my personal favorites) Three Amigos!."

Easter + Carepage

Welcome to all my Carepage visitors! Glad you could stop by.
What time is it when ten carnivores are chasing you, and you're alone? Ten after one.
Is constipate an irregular verb?
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
So I said I was going to hide Easter eggs for my kids, and dad said "yeah, like we did for you, over and over... same eggs." I asked how old I was. "8?" "No..." "18?!" "No..." "Well, when did you last do that?" "About 15 minutes ago..."

bike riding

What do you call a psychic midget who's just escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
If rugs could talk, would they just lie?
What time is it when ten carnivores are chasing you, and you're alone?
Okay, so bike riding, huh? So there's some quote like "once you learn to ride a bike..." but APPARENTLY it's not quite true. (Remember, I used to ride my bike to and from work, about 15-25 minutes) I got training wheels (yeah THAT wasn't embarrassing), but then even after that, I couldn't help but go left, try all I could. So I figured, well, it's been a while. (You think?) Then, thankfully, mom and dad got on... and THEY couldn't help but go left. Huh. More trys later, but that's enough for this day of frustration. Ok, went to a large parking lot, and I did MUCH better! The training wheels almost never hit the ground! Now, I WAS on Mom's bike, but next time it'll be my own.

Mom's holes in one record

So on MOM'S BIRTHDAY we played miniature golf. Well, they played miniature golf and I did something with a club. Mom's previous record was 1 hole in. Today she (and dad, too) surprisingly got a new record of 3!

Mom's birthday

TODAY IS MOM'S BIRTHDAY! So we'll be busy with presents for... the next 42 minutes.

Reunion day

What lies on it's back 1000 feet in the air? A dead centipede. (Mine) A tent centipede on a very tall tent.
If a tree falls in the woods, and no one's around, do the other trees laugh?
What do you call a psychic midget who's just escaped from jail?
So today was the day of reunions! First, I walked dogs for the Humane Society and met one of my long-time dogwalking pals down there... then I went rock climbing with two long-time pals at a new place, and made it to the top twice, and downclimbed 1/2!!!

I'm walkin', I'm talkin'...

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
So what's the speed of dark?
A sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
What lies on it's back 1000 feet in the air?
With my double vision, I have become heroic Doc Holliday in the movie Tombstone: "I've got two guns... one for each of ya."
My goodness Dad found a site that's just incredible: http://www.hulu.com/ Your favorite TV shows, even your fave MOVIES!
THAT was weird. I got up this mornin and put on my "Official Dog Walker" hat, (I walk 'em weekly at the GHS), went for a walk around the lake, and met a lady who was walking her three golden retrievers, and I got to walk one for a very long time! And he "was a verrrry good boy. Yes. Good dog."

General Tso and- I just farted- birthday card

Why are they called hemoroids? Shouldn't they be called asteroids? (My British version) Shouldn't they be called bummers?
All generalizations are false.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
So last night, I had for the first time since the wreck, General Tso's chicken from my favorite ever Chinese restaurant, the Rice Bowl, which useda be one of my favorite ever dishes (still is). I remember that back in the day, when we got delivery, thay used to call up "Food heah. Lice bowl."
You know when I was back in the hospital, my honesty came back first. Right in the middle of talking to someone, I would say something like "It's been a good -- I just farted -- session for my legs."
You know, for Dad's bday yesterday, I gave him a card that said on the inside "Happy 58th birthday Dad!" and on the back said "in case you forgot how old you are, or how we're related." I wondered if before the wreck, I made as much fun of my parents young age and they both reminded me of the extra-large package of Depends I gave them for their retirement.

Today is Dad's birthday!

TODAY IS DAD'S BIRTHDAY!
What do tornadoes in South Carolina and divorces in South Carolina have in common? Someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Atheism is a non-prophet group.
Why are they called hemmoroids?
I forgot to post this last time: in my daily brain games session (about 45 minutes of agonizing pain), mom read me 4 words which I normally read back, AND HAD IN THE EXERCISE JUST PRIOR, and I started to say them back (WRONGLY), and she said without a "next exercise," I gotta "guess" the instructions (my wording), which means wait to hear the instructions after I hear the words. Well, that would have been good info five seconds ago...
TODAY IS DAD'S BIRTHDAY! So wherever you are, wish him a happy birthday, and if you want to call him, he'll have my cell phone today, so it's 864-PURR-BY-5.

joke only day

Alright, so I'm gonna break tradition and make this a joke only day. What do you call a fish with no fins or tail? Bob.
Clones are people two.
What do divorces in South Carolina and tornadoes in South Carolina have in common?
I heard that from one of my therapists today and it was so good I had to make it a joke only day. Remember, any answers have to be clean and they will be VERY interesting to this S.C. boy.

Gwynn Valley!

What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your house, your truck, your wife and your dog back.
What do you call a fish with no fins or tail?
So, today I have done nothing, de nada, zip, zippo, kaputka. Except ...
I went back to Brevard, NC to see Gwynn Valley where I was a camp counselor one summer (right after being Applebee's-boy)! I saw one of the cabins I worked in, and the pond I lifeguarded at! (apparently, I showed up early to take that course) I remembered correctly that their daily (I thought weekly) "newspaper" is called the Tajar Times! All in all, it was a great trip down memory lane, and if anyone needs a stroll down THAT lane... well, I forget who does...

Irish festival

The funniest ad you'll see
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
So today I went to an Irish festival in downtown Gvegas, and it was fun. Tonight I went to my programming tutor who I told that within the last two days, randomly, suddenly, out of the blue, I remembered two key aspects of programming in my chosen language, Java! Long forgotten pieces are coming back...

civil war

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
So today, we went to a local meeting of cachers, (which was poorly scheduled with another local meeting), which was indeed fun. Then we went to a civil war re-enactment, which one of these days, I am GOING to join and do. I bought a ballcap that says "THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN" ... being the only southerner among even my extended relatives.

Better sailing

What sound does a grape make when you step on it? A little wine.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
My advice is: GEORGE, GEORGE, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, WATCH OUT FOR THAT CAR!
So today was lot of fun! We went sailing on Qwerty ("that's my boat"). The wind was MUCH BETTER than last time. Here all this time I'd thought that our slowness was the fact that we had three people on board a singlehander (which I've APPARENTLY taken crew on before), but today we sailed with two (parents altered hours), and did absolutely fine, so we sailed with three... once again, absolutely fine! So what changed between that day and today? I have no idea (well, 5 MPH more wind), but it is now my mission to find out.

Freshman college roommate

What do you call a formal dance full of only chicks? A fowl ball.
I went into a McDonald's and ordered fries. The girl said "would you like fries with that?"
What sound does a grape make when you step on it?
So today, I went to go see my freshman college roommate! The reason that's so unbelievably exciting is that about a month into he and I living together, HE WAS IN A CAR THAT WAS HIT BY A DRUNK DRIVER AND HE WAS BADLY INJURED, TOO! 10 years later, wonders haven't ceased. And three years later, he remembered a password to a computer thing, so there's always hope! Of course, I got trumped when I said:
"My chances of ever waking up were 10%. You?"
"0%"
"Ummm, look over there. Live dancing girls!"

back on a Flying Scot!

Do zombies eat candy with their fingers? No, they eat their fingers separately. Ants can carry up to 20 times their body weight, which is useful info if you need help moving a potato chip.
What do you call a formal dance full of only chicks?
So today, I went sailing with a friend who I useda race against! I like his boat A LOT (takes two people)- a Flying Scot. My current one is a single-hander...
So because of the wreck, I now keep a text file of words that are hard to say (aloud. Mentally I have no problem with). It goes:
sterility, existed, sixtieth, triptatrichloraminedamine, the name of the girl who crashed her car into me
Go figure.

Why don't skeletons date? They don't have any body to go out with.
Do zombies eat candy with their fingers?
I went sailing today, right next to the club I'm a member of on my pains' boat, and saw about 8-10 sailboats all coming from the club... I said, looks kinda like they're racing. Well... today was the first race of the keelboat class season (I have a centerboarder). The wind was excellent, about 13-15 knots. (1 mph = .8689755962687 kts an hour) (Wrong, dad looked it up, it was 15-22 mph)
Mom said she was going to the grocery store the other day, and did I want anything? I replied my usual, "live dancing girls," and mom said "what section do I find those in? Miss-elaneous?"

Grand Tichu

OMG. For FGN tonight, we played 4 hands of tichu. I ended up calling tichu every time. In the last two hands, I GOT A KING BOMB THAT I KNEW WAS SAFE BECAUSE I ALSO HAD AN ACE BOMB! Wow. Besides the fact that dad sucks @ shuffling, the spread of points from low to high was-- well dad got his surprisingly consistent 35-- 1455.

Joke answer

Whoops, sorry, meant to do this:
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
Dam.

Why don't skeletons date?

Tichu !

So for FGN tonight (family game night), we played Tichu! Now, this is high(ish), but the point spread from high to low was 1355. Wow. Guess who won. Guess who always wins.

And check out this thread by a darn funny guy.

raced sailboats!

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? (Answer always next time) That's part of my "memory" therapy-- memorize a buncha jokes.
I thought "onomatopoeia" was a dirty word. Huh.
Today is two days after a merry two day (2-22) and I hope it's a good one for y'all. It was a GREAT one for me, 'cause for the first time since the wreck, I RACED MY SAILBOAT! Just like I useda do, but this time ON MY OWN BOAT, AS A MEMBER OF MY SAILING CLUB! I took along my pains as crew, which I promised them until they are no longer physically able, as long as they don't mind me cussing like a sailor. It was just a "for fun" race, what we do in the off-season... well it's wonderful it was just for fun, 'cause I didn't do so hot. The first race was FINISHED before we even STARTED. Wow. The second race was finishing about the time we got near the harbor, (on the first leg of two) so... well, what did I expect when I took a single-hander and put 3 people on board?

my Carepage

It used to be go to Carepages and sign in with "JeffKnoxFriends" now it's simply http://jrox.blogspot.com/
I will see that carepages gets a small amount of monetary retribution... they have provided me an enormous service and will continue to do so until I'm back to living on my own again. In the meantime, the two sites will mirror each other...

Hi

This is my first post. Yay.