for my 32nd b-day, I got a sense of humor

Read this first: http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/11/30/passenger.drops.cruise.anchor/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

Now my "headline":

A Regal Caribbean cruise ship tragically slipped to the bottom of the ocean recently on it's maiden voyage, losing all of it's passengers & crew in a very bizarre incident. There was a lifeboat for every cabin, controlled by a button in that cabin that would release that lifeboat into the water 1 minute after the button was pressed, to give the cabin's occupants time to board the vessel. It was known around the world as "the ship that was most prepared for disaster". But the ship's alarm clocks had been inadvertently wired to the lifeboat launcher for each cabin by a construction crew who spoke only pig-English.


It was a still, peaceful first night, cruising away from the shore... then the morning came, and the passengers were roused from sleep by a buzzing alarm, which was supposed to have been silenced by pressing the button on the wall... that silently launched that cabin's lifeboat. No one was aware that as the ship slid silently forward through the water, an inflatable flotilla had just been launched in her wake instead. Alright, not a big deal.

Except for when a pelican threw up a young spotted Southern ocean herring into an exhaust pipe at 11:52am, which then caused the engine, in the words from the bridge's flight recorder, to go "all wacky." So when the passengers were told to man the lifeboats, that would have been a great safety plan... if there had been lifeboats. Panic ensued, and in the melee that followed, a member of the crazed bridge crew accidentally hit the "SHIP STAYS AFLOAT" button, turning it off. That button should normally stay on, except for safety drills and the occasional "crazy Friday." Forever recorded by a waterproof tape recorder, the brave captain's last words as his ship slid under the crests for the last time were "Well this sucks."

A Regal Caribbean spokesperson has been pushed forward to nervously stammer out "Uh, we uh, aren't going to let that happen again-- right guys? The new safety-improved plan is... is... um... to have all passengers wear a watch with an alarm, and then we'll simply ask them to pay no attention when the ship's clock starts beeping. Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket. Then in the mornings, they silence the alarm on their watches once they're awake, and never, under penalty of death, touch the ship's alarm. There, problem solved. That was easy-- next?"