THIS IS GONNA HURT. Just so you've heard it at least once...

   Here's a theory I don't think I ever heard in my high school science class.  Keep in mind, it's just a theory, much like gravity, or evolution.  So it's not proven satisfactorily for all.  Still doesn't help me sleep better.

   So I'm finishing up reading The Panda's Thumb, a collection of essays on natural history.  (things like "Doesn't George W. conclusively prove evolution?  His personal evolutionary chain was just missing a few links.")  (just kidding, that's not in the book-- it was edited out at the last minute before they went to press)  But then something entirely unrelated to the ages old did-humans-start-as-apes argument struck me very hard-- this quote:
   "Astrophysicist William A. Fowler argues that the sun will exhaust its central hydrogen fuel after ten to twelve billion years of life.  It will then explode and transform to a red giant so large that it will extend past the orbit of Jupiter, thus swallowing the earth."  Um, no, wait, hang on there, I missed that, sorry-- come again?  I must have had something in my ears, since I thought you just said the sun is going to explode and take the Earth out with it when it goes.  Let's see what the next sentence says: "It is an arresting thought to recognize that humans have appeared on earth at just about the halfway point of our planet's existence."  YIKES... so I did hear you right.  All I know is that from now on, I will always get my food TO GO!  There's no time for this "I'm waiting on my Big Mac" lollygagging.  And I guess I won't pull any more hair out over my decisions on how to manage my 401k.  I feel like throwing a temper-tantrum-- "But I like this planet!  It's not fair!"

   But, never one to trust the authority of a single source, I turn to my old pal Google, and ask that entity-- I'm actively avoiding calling Google a "him", discussion follows-- "Hey Google, will the sun explode one day?"  YIKES AGAIN!  So everyone but me knew this!  Well... hmmm... two isn't enough, I need at least three crazy people all saying the world's gonna end before I'll buy their sticks of incense, or sun's-collapsing insurance, or whatever else they're hocking.  Ooh, I know-- Wikipedia!  'Cause if it's not true there, the power of crowdsourcing will eventually correct it, at least as far as human knowledge currently goes.  UH OH, even Wikipedia has a tale of impending doom.  Well, not like a next-week kind of impending, not even like my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren's lifespans kind of impending, but still... there seems to be an argument that there may be an actual GAME OVER one day.  Huh.    Kinda makes me wanna donate my entire paycheck to NASA, along with a note: "DEAR NASA, PLEASE LOOK HARDER INTO HOW TO ESCAPE THIS MOUSETRAP WE CALL EARTH.  PLEASE HURRY, WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT 5 BILLION YEARS LEFT-- LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO, MOVE IT!"

p.s. the whole avoidance of calling Google the colloquial "him" is because of this other line from The Panda's Thumb: Maria Montessori (a personal hero) "discussed Manouvrier's work at length and made much of his tentative claim that women, after proper correction of the data, have slightly larger brains than men."  Hey, I'll buy that easily-- and given that Google's obviously smart, might wanna think about referring to Google as a "her."  :-)  I also believe that "proper correction of the data" means a simple test: "does the subject have all of their decisions heavily influenced by testosterone?"  No?  Then they must have a larger brain.  I bet if you looked hard at it, really studied the data, all of the wars ever fought have been driven by testosterone somewhere back at the very beginning.  "I bet I can conquer more counties than you can."  "OH YEAH?"  And we get the Peloponessian war.  Or "You play ball like a girl!"   And we get the Trojan war.