Ending credits...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the "Milky Way".

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

first swim o' the year

Is there a crash course in learning how to fly?

I forgot to post this yesterday, but on Monday 5/5, I VERY HESITANTLY went swimming on "Brad Beach." First it was just toe bubble while the boat was moving, and I was like "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" but then we stopped at the infamous beach and I tried water-walking (walking IN water, not ON water). Next thing ya know... you know who y'are out there. (It's named that 'cause he went swimming there when it was ... oh, I don't know ... FREAKIN' FREEZING)

AND I slept without socks on that night, so (in my books) it's now officially summer.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Nurses

Does wild rice have to be shot?

Ok, so I realized that asking a cop to arrest my mom wouldn't work, 'cause they need probable cause (or Improvable Cause, my old improv comedy troupe). So I thought I should say "pssst... check that lady who's not related to me for drugs." But nah, 'cause how would I know? And the realization was that any joke that ends in a cop frisking you was not a good joke to begin with. It's just in bad taste.

I don't know who this "Oxy" person is, but they must be a real moron.

So, it wasn't until today that I had the realization that several female nurses saw me naked in the hospital. Hmmmm... yeah... you know that mental list every guy always has of all the women who've seen him naked? Added two to mine...

If you eat lots of alphabet soup, do you have lots of vowel movements?

Dad's olde English... when he's asleep

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? He studied all year for the bra exam.

A mushroom ran into a bar with another mushroom and the bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve boring old food here." The mushroom replied "But I'm a fungi and I gotta shitake here."

Why is it called a strike in baseball when the batter misses the ball?

A few nights ago, mom went to the bathroom in the middle of the night (how dare her), and when she came back to bed, Dad was (in his sleep) mumbling "something something forsook something something." Then the night after that it was "something something from whence cometh, m'lady.." Mom is very clear that it was "m'lady", not "my lady."

So, tonight, after playing every-other-shot-must-be-a-bank-shot miniature golf (my new invention), we had dinner out at a sub joint. In line just after us was a cop, so I let my parents sit down and then asked him if he'd jokingly bust mom for drugs. Scratch that off my list of things to do before I die. (And he said no.) Sure, don't believe me, I JUST LIVE WITH HER. And in all seriousness but also jokingly at the same time, I do check her arms for needle marks daily. Maybe they're between the toes... hmmm...